Connection and Authentic Learning -Three Key Practices for Nurturing Emotional Intelligence.

Parenting, educating, and caring for children is undeniably challenging. Each day, those tasked with guiding children through the complexities of the world face a multitude of hurdles. As caregivers, we aspire to raise children who embody kindness, empathy, thoughtfulness, and respect. We aim for our children to share willingly, demonstrate empathy, and manage their emotions effectively. However, in our pursuit of instilling these virtues, adults often veer off course, prioritising immediate peace and harmony over the long-term development of children.

In this blog, we will delve into three practices that Orenda Circle steadfastly upholds, seeking to nurture emotionally intelligent children who are adept at regulating their feelings.

Practice 1: Saying sorry.

At Orenda Circle, we do not force children to say sorry. Historically, children have been prompted to say sorry for a variety of reasons, perhaps they hit someone, they broke a glass, they made a mess, or they snatched a toy from a peer. We understand that adults who ask a child to say sorry in these circumstances have the best of intentions. The conventional logic is simple: you hurt someone, you say sorry. Well, maybe that's how it should work in the adult world, but for our youngest members of society, this practice can, in fact, be counterproductive. Coercing an apology from a child who isn’t genuinely remorseful will teach children to utter empty words without truly understanding the impact of their actions. 

This approach fails to foster empathy and may instil a misconception in the child that any wrongdoing can be absolved simply by saying sorry, regardless of the severity or consequences of their actions.

Children who develop a habit of uttering empty words with no true understanding, grow into adults who lack a deep understanding of the repercussions of their actions. Empathy is crucial for comprehending and appreciating the feelings, perspectives, and experiences of others. Without it, individuals may have difficulty understanding the needs, motivations, and struggles of those around them, resulting in misunderstandings, conflicts, and fractured relationships. Without grasping the true consequences of harming others, children may learn that they can evade accountability for their actions by merely uttering an apology.

Instead of coercing hollow apologies from children who may have acted impulsively or made mistakes, how can we foster empathy in them and encourage accountability for their actions?

Encouraging empathy through dialogue and understanding rather than coercion can cultivate genuine remorse and understanding. At Orenda Circle, we employ a sportscasting technique to narrate any relevant events. For example, suppose a 4-year-old child, while playing a ball game with peers, becomes upset upon losing and subsequently hits the winning child. Typically, one might expect the child to apologise in this scenario. However, the child may not genuinely feel sorry at that moment. Their egocentric nature and developmental stage might lead them to focus solely on their own emotions, feeling aggrieved by the loss. Requiring an apology in this instance would yield no meaningful lesson for the child. Through sportscasting, educators can demonstrate empathy for both children's emotions while elucidating the situation for those involved.

The sportscasting or narration might go something like this: 

Acknowledge Feelings: Start by acknowledging the emotions of both children involved in the conflict. For example, "It looks like Sophie is feeling upset because she got hit, and Pip seems frustrated too." 

Describe the Situation Objectively: Provide a neutral description of what happened without assigning blame. Avoid labelling the children as 'good' or 'bad'. For instance, "I see Sophie is crying, and Pip's face looks tense. It seems like there was some hitting." 

Encourage Empathy: Help the children understand each other's perspectives. You could say, "Sophie, it seems like you're hurting. When you got hit it made you sad." 

Set Limits Respectfully: Clearly communicate that hitting is not acceptable behaviour while maintaining a calm and gentle tone. For example, "In our space, we don't hit each other. Let's find a different way to solve this problem." 

Offer Solutions: Guide the children towards finding a resolution together. Encourage them to use their words to express their feelings and needs. You might suggest, "Sophie, could you tell Pip how you're feeling? And Pip, can you listen and try to understand?" 

Model Conflict Resolution: If necessary, demonstrate how to apologise and make amends. You could say, "Sophie, I'm sorry you got hurt. Let's see if we can find a way to make things better. Maybe Pip can help you find an ice pack." 

Reinforce Positive Behaviour: Acknowledge and praise the children when they cooperate and resolve the conflict peacefully. For instance, "I'm proud of you both for using your words and working together to solve the problem. That's a great way to handle disagreements."

Using this method does not absolve children of consequences for their actions or grant them impunity to harm others. Persistent aggressive behaviour will result in a child being removed from the game, with an educator offering support and guidance to address the underlying issues rather than allowing a cycle of harm, apology, and repetition. So even when a child needs to be removed, traditional strategies such as time out will not be used. Rather they will get time with an educator to help them work through it, never left alone and given a disconnection type of punishment. Dr. Vanessa Lapointe explains why disconnection as a form of punishment or teaching doesn’t work. “Efforts to extinguish behaviour using punishment typically involve traditional forms of discipline (time outs, consequences, removal of privileges, or the use of a reward system like a star chart). The problem with these approaches is that each one of them uses the child’s most essential need – that of human connection – against her in order to secure good behaviour.” Essentially, children can not learn without their sense of connection being met first.

By employing the above approach, which places connection and support at the forefront of how behaviour is supported, adults can assist children in navigating conflicts respectfully and empathetically, imparting valuable communication and problem-solving skills while nurturing emotional intelligence and mutual respect.

Practice 2: Sharing.

Similar to our approach to saying sorry, at Orenda Circle, we refrain from compelling children to share. Sharing is often hailed as a fundamental virtue that children must grasp from a young age. However, research indicates that enforcing sharing can undermine a child's sense of ownership and autonomy. Do adults always share everything they have? Imagine being halfway through reading a book and suddenly being required to share it without warning. You have no say in the matter and no clue how long it will be taken for or how many others will have a turn before you can finish it. Then, to top it off, you're reprimanded for expressing how unfair it feels to have your book taken away, and everyone insists that you're not being a kind friend and need to learn to share.

Children are naturally egocentric, which is developmentally appropriate. When they're engrossed in play, they're not typically considering others around them; they're focused on the moment. We can assist children in managing resources and learning to consider others' needs, much as we support them in developing empathy through sportscasting. Instead of enforcing sharing, we should impart to children the value of cooperation and negotiation, allowing them to learn when and how to share on their own terms.

At Orenda Circle, conflicts over resources are addressed simply. Educators sportscast for a child when conflicts arise, such as, 'Oh, you want a turn with the truck, but Sam isn’t finished playing with it yet. Perhaps you can ask, 'When you're done, can I have a turn next?' 'Sam, can you let Alex know when you're finished, so he can have a turn next?' This method often proves effective: the waiting child feels acknowledged, and the child with the toy becomes aware of others' needs. Occasionally, educators may need to intervene further if the waiting child becomes impatient after an extended wait. In such cases, the educators might help the children to negotiate a timeframe, with the children having direct input into how this might look. A timer or a set number of turns (e.g., '3 more swings, then it's someone else's turn') may be used to facilitate sharing. However, it's quite common for the child with the toy to voluntarily offer it up shortly afterward, perhaps feeling empowered to control how they share or responding to positive cues from the educator who facilitated the conversation.

By using our sportscasting phrases for supporting children to communicate with each other and share when they are ready, we give children back a sense of control in a world where so very little is within their control. It feels like their choice, which makes the child feel in control, rather than the alternative of a complete loss of control.

Peter Grey, research professor at Boston College, in Psychology and Neuroscience, explores this sense of control further, stating that: ‘If children have little experience taking control of their own lives, they are unlikely to develop a strong sense that they can exert such control. And so, we have a cause–effect sequence that plausibly contributes to the relationship between children’s independent activity and their mental well-being.’

Another way to support children in sharing without force is to use the environment to your advantage. One approach to this is the Reggio Emilia approach, founded in the 1940.’ From this approach, founder Loris Malaguzzi worked on the premise that children develop through their interactions. First with their primary adults in their lives, parents, grandparents, teachers, etc. Secondly, they develop and learn from their peers and their third teacher is the environment in which they are in.

At Orenda Circle, our environment is designed to accommodate multiple children, with primarily open-ended toys that encourage imaginative play. For example, a group of sticks can be used in various games and scenarios. However, introducing a single toy sword into the mix often leads to conflict, as each child desires the same item. By focusing on versatile, open-ended resources, children can share by collaborating or dividing the materials to pursue their individual visions.

Another example of such resources can be seen in these pictures. By including the plastic castle into the environment the children are told there is only one type of game to be played with it and are likely to argue over the toy, as there is only one. Instead, a set of blocks can be a castle but they can also be a variety of other things. Children can share by creating together or they can split the blocks to both bring their own vision to life.

By treating the environment as a 'third teacher,' we create a setting that consistently supports children who may not yet be developmentally prepared to share independently. Just as adults faced challenges with sharing during the toilet paper shortages of 2020, children can struggle with sharing in their everyday lives. They live in the moment and prioritise their own needs. Providing an environment with 'enough toilet paper' metaphorically removes the temptation for selfish behaviour and encourages sharing.

Furthermore, by creating an environment that doesn't make this skill too challenging for such young people, we slowly give children the proficiency to navigate providing for others' as they grow into adulthood.

As a final note on sharing, it is worth stating that what is fair is perceived differently by each person. Adults tend to consider ‘fair’ as each child having the same amount of toys or the same amount of time with a toy. We become the judges and rulers of sharing, when perhaps our intervention was never called for. One child might have all the blocks and another child asks for some. They are given a small portion of blocks and the first child still holds the majority. To an adult, that might not seem fair, but the children might both be perfectly content with how the blocks have been divided. By stepping in at this point, the adult is taking the control away from the child and undoing the great work they have done to negotiate the sharing of the blocks on their own. It sends the message to children that they can’t navigate these situations themselves and will prompt them to seek increasing amounts of adult support.

Practice 3: You’re Okay.

It's instinctive, habitual, ingrained in us all. You witness a child tumble, and before they even react, out of your mouth come the words 'you're okay!' as you extend a hand to help them up. It's entirely instinctual, even primal, to shield the young in our care from harm or distress. Why would we want to see them hurt or upset? So, we rush to reassure them that the fall they just experienced was not catastrophic and that they will be okay. However, this response may inadvertently dismiss a child's feelings and discourage them from expressing pain or seeking comfort in the future.

When you tell a child "you're okay" immediately after they fall, you might inadvertently dismiss or invalidate their feelings of pain or distress. In another scenario, a child might feel sad because they were hurt by another or because someone took something of theirs. By telling them they're okay, they receive a message that what they're feeling isn't valid or that it's not acceptable to feel upset when wronged. This can make them feel like their emotions aren't important or that they shouldn't express them, leading to difficulties in emotional regulation later on.

By brushing off their pain or discomfort, you might prevent the child from fully processing what happened to them. This can lead to a disconnection from their bodily sensations and experiences, making it harder for them to learn from their mistakes or recognise when they need help. If a child learns that expressing pain or discomfort is met with dismissal or denial, they may be more likely to avoid acknowledging their pain in the future. This can result in adults who struggle to recognise and acknowledge their own feelings, leading them to become people-pleasers unable to cope with difficult emotions.

"But I want my child to be resilient!" you might be thinking. At Orenda Circle, we define resilience as facing challenges head-on, working through them with courage and patience. Resilience is embodied in a child who attempts to climb a rock wall, fails multiple times, yet persists, problem-solves, and, when frustration or pain arises, faces the challenge head-on. It doesn't mean they suppress their emotions but rather that they've developed the emotional awareness to navigate and overcome significant emotions. Resilience isn't about numbing all emotions or never expressing oneself. It's about acknowledging hurt, knowing it's okay to cry or express oneself, and then moving forward. Historically, we've observed that children, given the space to express themselves, actually recover more quickly from falls or setbacks as they are more attuned to their feelings and have had the opportunity to express themselves in previous situations. Conversely, children constantly told to "Get up, it's okay, it's no big deal" often struggle to manage situations because they've never been given the time or support to learn how to move past them.

Instead of immediately telling a child "You're okay," it can be more beneficial to validate their feelings by saying something like "That looks like it hurts. Are you okay?" or "I'm here for you. Can I help you?" It could even be that you say nothing, and wait for the child to decide how they will react without first registering the adults reaction. Responding in these alternative ways, creates an opportunity for empathy and connection, helping the child feel understood and supported during moments of distress.

In conclusion, the practices outlined at Orenda Circle emphasise nurturing empathy, autonomy, and emotional resilience in children. From refraining from forced apologies to sharing resources without coercion and acknowledging emotions authentically, these practices prioritise the holistic development of young individuals. By recognising and validating children's feelings, we empower them to navigate conflicts, express themselves confidently, and build meaningful connections with others. Through these approaches, we cultivate environments where children can learn and grow, equipped with the emotional intelligence and social skills necessary to navigate the complexities of life with courage, empathy, and resilience. Ultimately, by embracing these practices, we pave the way for a generation of individuals who are not only capable of facing challenges but also empathetic and compassionate members of society.

Written by Hannah Colbourn

Further reading:

https://www.resilience.org/stories/2019-10-30/talking-play-and-imagination-with-peter-gray/

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